10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama
This is not a post
about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your
mother, your coworker, your friend.
Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about
ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the
people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself,
your relationships seem to be lacking.
If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were
really
upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed
because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you,
too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely
something in here that will help you change that.
We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be
confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie
Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.
When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I
feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful in my interactions.
I hope they can do the same for you.
1.
Do what you need to do for you.
Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work
or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to
do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m
not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to
make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this:
10 Ways to Balance Self Interest & Sacrifice).
Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t
do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it
from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so
you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.
2.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt
you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to
make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about
you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in
their own problems to show it well.
Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all
angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re
hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and
apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the
best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire
it.
3.
Look at yourself for the problem first.
When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something
wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re
feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For
starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually
doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root
cause.
Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your
feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s
something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying:
something
you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.
4.
Be mindful of projecting.
In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then
ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if
you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are
all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid
the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way
to put a rift in your relationships.
This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work.
Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue
seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next
time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s
true for you. It might not be–but if it
is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.
5.
Choose your battles.
Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question
them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on
something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment
could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to
channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or
themselves.
On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something
bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other
hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I
need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:
- Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
- Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
- Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?
6.
Confront compassionately and clearly.
When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend
themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation
where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one
is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both
have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.
If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts
and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and
they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express
yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know
what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to
give that to you.
7.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships:
When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest
about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People
don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of
power.
Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true,
vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being
your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting
fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the
power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I
discussed this more in-depth in
5 Rules for Life.
8.
Think before acting on emotion.
This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated,
or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea.
I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I
really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or
angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I
overreacted.
When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t
use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your
feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create
in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting
them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them
to stay open instead of shutting down.
9.
Maintain boundaries.
When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship
without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into
doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of
honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how
you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want
to be treated is to teach them.
That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that:
to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have
loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful
relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with
you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that
explains
how to set personal boundaries.
10.
Enjoy their company more than their approval.
When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship
becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego,
how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate
your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it
creates an unbalanced relationship.
If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting
their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an
abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend
getting help.)
Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on
enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for
yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to
smile.
What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?
